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Archive for the Category "Writing"

Pop Quiz: What’s wrong with this dialogue? Jun 06

Are you a sloppy writer?

Of all the common, lazy mistakes I encounter when reading scripts, the one that possibly irks me the most can be found in the following dialogue exchange.

Have a look:


Look, I ain’t playin’ with you. Give me the money, or you gonna get got!


I really should of stayed at a nicer motel.

Pop QuizDo you see it?

“ain’t”? — No, that’s a legitimate word. Merriam-Webster tells me so.

“playin'”? — Nah, that’s simply eliding a letter to give a better sense of the how the character speaks.

“you gonna get got”? — Nope. As grammatically offending as that slang is, it’s appropriate for the character.

So what is it?

Take a closer look at Josh’s line.

Do you see it?

No? Then you may be a sloppy writer.

There’s no such thing as “should of”!!!

The phrasing is either “should have” or “should’ve.” It may sound like “should of,” but sounding like something doesn’t count.

It’s like that time I wanted to tell someone off in my yearbook graduating entry, but didn’t want to have it flagged. So I wrote “FUH Q” instead of, well, you know. (True story. Yeah, real classy.)

Sounding like something, and being the equivalent of something, are two totally different things.

But what about intentional misspellings to give characters a certain affected manner of speech?

Intentional misspellings and grammar faux pas are permitted in screenplay dialogue blocks, as long as it’s clear to the reader that the mistakes are indeed intentional (e.g., slang, speech impediment).

It’s like how I wrote, “real classy” above, instead of the grammatically correct, “really classy.” In a casual blog post, or a script dialogue block, that’s just fine. It’s being cheeky and using the common phrasing.

However, spelling it: “reel classy” would be a mistake. The audience can’t see or hear the misspelling, so it can’t be justified by saying, “But that’s how my character would have spelled it!”

Bottom line is, if you’re one of those who missed the mistake above, you may be making others in your script that you’re not even aware are mistakes.

So if you need proofreading or script notes, I’m here for you.

Three Dots vs. Two Dashes Jun 04

Punctuation PoliceWhether I’m providing script notes or I’m proofreading scripts, I often find instances where the writer has used three dots (…) where she should have used two dashes (–), or vice versa.

When used at the end of a sentence in scene description, there’s a measure of interchangeability (I’ll tackle that in another post). But when used at the end of a sentence in dialogue, things are very clear cut.

What’s the difference?

Three dots (an ellipsis) at the end of a sentence are used to indicate that a speaker has trailed off. For example:


But if my fingerprints are on the knife, then that means...

Jacqueline stares at her hands, the realization sinking in.


You’re the Sleepwalk Killer!

Two dashes (technically hyphens) at the end of a sentence are used to indicate that a speaker has been interrupted. For example:


Follow me to the kitchen. I want to show you my new knife collec--


Not a chance!


I made cinnamon buns.

Ted considers.

Hyphen Positioning

The double hyphens can also come after a completed word, in the middle of a sentence, to indicate an interruption. I could have put the double hyphens after the word “knife” in the sentence above, but then that may have given the impression that the sentence had ended there.

If I didn’t want to write a partial word, then this rearranged sentence could work: “I have a new knife collection I want to show–”

Notice how there’s no space between the double dashes and the last word being interrupted? I feel it gives a better sense of an interruption that way.

A Note About Single Hyphens

Some screenwriters (including some pros) use single hyphens to indicate an interruption or a pause. I guess the idea is that the single hyphen takes the place of a longer em dash (—) that you would normally see in anything written with a proportional font instead of a fixed-width font like Courier — basically anything other than a script.

But we’re talking about a script. So the practice of using a single hyphen (for this purpose) is kinda weird to me, as it is to many other readers. Do you want to use something that may bump certain readers, or do you want to use something that wouldn’t bother a single reader?

Having said that, give me a script where the writing is otherwise fantastic, and I won’t even notice the issue.

Category: Dialogue, Writing  | Leave a Comment
292 Days! May 22


Time Flies

292 Days. That’s how long it’s been since my last post. Yikes. So where the hell have I been and what have I been doing?


As much as I love this blog, it occurred to me a while back, that I didn’t want to be a successful blogger. I wanted to be a successful screenwriter/filmmaker. So it was time to adjust my priorities.

Let’s see how things have panned out so far. In the last 292 days I’ve:

  • Had one script place in the semi-finals of Blue Cat
  • Had another script optioned
  • Had my latest script place in the top 25 (semi-finals) of the’s Launch Pad competition (fingers crossed for the finals)
  • Learned how to use Adobe After Effects
  • Wrote a martial arts action movie that’s in pre-production in Thailand (paid assignment)
  • Wrote a short film, that I’m directing in a few weeks

In a nutshell, things  have been gaining momentum.

My Demon Girlfriend

I’m really excited about the last item I mentioned. The short I’m directing is called My Demon Girlfriend, and it’s a funny little script that may be the start of a web series, and will allow me to showcase my new special effects skills.

I’ll post updates as things progress on the production. I will also be writing other articles about screenwriting, movies and television, that I feel need to be discussed — I’ll just be posting them less frequently.

Bottom line is — I’m back! So stay tuned.

Did you miss me? Or were you happy to have less noise to distract you from your screenwriting career?

Do you have sprachgefühl? May 31


George Dubya

Not even an ounce of sprachgefühl.

Some of the coolest words that have permeated the English language are German in origin: schadenfreude… zeitgeist… doppelgänger… And they’re fun to say too!

My new favorite word? Sprachgefühl.

Why? For years I’ve been talking about there being two types of people — those who instinctively care about grammar and spelling. And those who don’t.

Well, I now have a word for what people like me are afflicted with:

sprachgefühl (noun): an intuitive sense of what is linguistically appropriate. (source: Merriam-Webster)

sprachgefühl (noun): A feeling for language; an ear for the idiomatically correct or appropriate. (source: The Free Dictionary)

The 10-Page Torture Test

You know who’s dripping with succulent sprachgefühl? The guy who runs the 10-Page Torture Test.

Recently I posted one of my scripts to as part of a contest to win a free pass to The Great American Pitchfest coming up this weekend.

Long story short — a Talentville member downloaded the 10 page preview of my script and was so jazzed about what he saw that he wanted to put it through his site’s “torture test.”

Here’s a guy who cares so deeply about the craft of screenwriting, and the importance of a great first impression, that he set up a site to critique the first 10 pages of scripts for willing screenwriters.

From his home page:

What’s a 10-page torture test?

The 10PTT concept stands on two key ideas:

* If you’re not rewriting over and over, you’re not really writing.

* First impressions count. If your screenplay doesn’t wow the reader by page ten, forget about it. On the other hand, ten terrific pages can earn the reader’s goodwill. If your next ten pages sag, the reader will let it slide and hope for a return to form instead of hurling your script across the room.

At 10PTT.COM we yank and slash and pound your words until your first ten pages snarl, ripple, and glisten like a jungle puma leaping with jaws wide to clamp down on your reader’s soft, salty throat.

Something like that.

We’ll trim the fat off your pages and inject what’s left with 150 ccs of AWESOME.

This is not a paid reading service. It’s done purely for the love of words on the page. Anyone who loves language can participate.

Seeing as how I recently critiqued someone else’s script in a similar manner, how could I say no? Head on over to the site to check out his comprehensive, funny and insightful notes for my first ten pages. Then join the discussion and get your sprachgefühl on!

Category: Words, Writing  | One Comment
Script Notes: THE USUAL SUSPECTS 2: BEAR TRAP (Part 2) Apr 17


In Part 1 of my review, I discussed this unofficial sequel script’s spurious providence and mysterious writer. I also started off with a critique of the cover page and page one.

To reiterate, these posts are meant to be educational for writers to see what goes on in the minds of script readers (or at least mine) while they’re plowing through your script. Most of the comments I post here are meant to convey what I’m thinking and wouldn’t necessarily be included in any official script notes that I provide.

So with that out of the way, let’s see where we stand at the end of page 1.

At this point we’ve seen some heavily armed pirates attack a container ship. Some decent action, but due to some formatting and stylistic choices, I already have a few indications that the writer is an amateur. Let’s see if that holds steady or changes on page 2…

Page 2

Page 2
(Click image to open/enlarge in a new window)


  • A nice metaphor: “All the monitors are alive with data…”
  • I like the evil Unseen Woman. Why don’t we get to see her full face? It’s interesting and sets up a mystery that my brain wants to solve. We’re also seeing a glimpse of the antagonist or co-antagonist, I assume.
  • On the previous page, the action broke off abruptly. I like how we get to find out how the events play out, but from a different, unexpected vantage point.
  • I’m not particularly fond of this sentence: “The early dawn casts eerie shadows on a still dark sky.” However, it certainly gives me a sense of the tone that the writer is going for.
  • The page ends with me wanting to find out more about the two “out of place” individuals. [Note: At a recent gathering with my professional screenwriting friends, we all compared notes as to what our primary mandates were when writing a script. I said, “To make every scene entertaining or engaging in some way.” One of my friends said, “To end each page with a hook, so they want to see what happens on the next page.”]


  • There’s an odd extra line space above the line: “The woman’s lips.”
  • Jumping Jehosaphat! What’s up with the irregular dialogue formatting?! A big red flag just got raised. I mean, come on, this is version 10 of this script and there’s still such an obvious, basic formatting issue? In a 133 page script, where you should be desperate for places to trim your pages down, it’s simply unacceptable.
  • Speaking of this dialogue block, why do we have both a parenthetical and a line description telling us to focus on this woman’s lips. In a script, redundancy = bad.
  • While we’re on that parenthetical, why isn’t it offset from the dialogue margin?
  • Paragraph 4: “It’s” — An incorrect homonym error. Should be “Its.”
  • Second to last paragraph: “A hand, extended from the wheelchair.” I like the direction of the shot (to focus on the hand), but why can’t that be written in the active present tense? That is, “A hand extends from the wheelchair.”
  • Same goes for the sentence that follows. “An expensive gold watch on the wrist, holding a passport, outwards, towards the face of the waiting, indifferent, female IMMIGRATION OFFICER.” It’s also a bit clumsy because the way it’s written, it seems that the gold watch is holding the passport.

Amateur Suspicion Level 4.2

Whoa boy! We’ve shot past threat level 3 and have jumped to “Confirmed!” That dialogue formatting faux pas was huge. Remember, this isn’t the first draft of this script. This is version 10.3. (Have I mentioned before why it’s a terrible idea to put a version number on a spec script?)

There are also a bunch of “little” issues with this page, which I’m mentally combining with the “little” issues of the last pages. Collectively I can say with certainty that these “little” issues don’t happen with such frequency in professional scripts. Especially not in the first few pages which are vitally important for impressing your reader.

I know there are many people who don’t get all worked up about “little” formatting or stylistic problems in their writing. But if you don’t realize how important it is to avoid these issues, you have a steep uphill climb ahead of you if you want your work to be taken seriously, and get noticed (in the right way).

Remember, readers are looking for any reason to discount your script. Don’t hand them any! These types of issues are easy to fix. They just take some care, and learning.

Maybe things will turn around on the next few pages…

Page 3 – 11

While it’s easy to dismiss a script because of its many “amateur moves,” it’s also the job of the reader to determine whether the story has merit. Now that I’ve established a baseline technical skill level, I can relax about the “little” issues and focus more on the overall set up. So I’m going to critique pages 3 through 11 collectively.

Usual Suspects 2: Bear Trap - Pages 3-6     Usual Suspects 2: Bear Trap - Pages 7-11

Pages 3-6 and Pages 7-11
(Click images to open/enlarge in a new window)


There were a lot of things done right in the first 10 or 11 pages, and the setup itself is good!
We were introduced to the key antagonists in interesting ways:
  • A mysterious female character (there was only one key female character in The Usual Suspects, so if I’m right, I’m not sure how mysterious she is — but still, a cool device).
  • An old man — is this Keyser Soze? His disguise at the airport (while it didn’t fool the person watching for him — if that was his intention) is an interesting scenario.

We were also introduced to the intriguing protagonist, who is whisked away in a helicopter to start his mission. He’s not the first choice for the mission, which gives him something to prove at the outset and makes us more likely to root for him.

The catalyst for the movie is quite clear — a nuclear bomb may have been loaded onto an airplane — whose pilot may be a Syrian terrorist! Meanwhile, there’s a mysterious ship that’s being pursued.


I don’t know any other way to say this — the writing was not of a professional caliber, and it’s hard to ignore. Everyone starts as an amateur, and this writer obviously has some good instincts, but a lot more care needs to be taken to elevate the material to the next level.

  • Learning when to start and end a scene is a critical skill for screenwriters to learn. If you can, always try to end your scene on a “button.” For example, here’s an excerpt from the top of page 3.


Good morning Mr. Walker. Welcome to the United Kingdom. May I ask the purpose of your visit.


I’m here to set the world on fire.



And what’s the real reason for your visit to the UK sir?

The extra line at the end with the Immigration Officer weakens the power of the Old Man’s great line. And why on earth is the old man off camera during that terrific moment?!Note: The way the scene ends on page 11, is a great example of  ending the scene on a button (so it’s hit and miss in this script).

  • In a recent article I talked about the importance of sentence variety in your scripts. On page 4, take a look at the last scene. 6 out of the 8 sentences start with “The.” Also on this page, the phrase, “Misty forest” is used twice in close proximity. And the word “misty” is used a third time after that on this page.
Honestly, I could point to something different on every page of this script, so there’s no need to belabor the point here. The writer’s skills are still developing.


If you’re going to write a sequel (to a script you have no rights to),  as a spec writing sample — your writing better knock the reader’s socks off. You already have one strike against you by even writing an unauthorized sequel (because it’s a common amateur move). So you had better wow the reader with your writing abilities.

There are a ton of rules that you have to learn to write scripts proficiently. And there’s almost always a correlation between the lack of these core writing skills that you see right away, and the bigger structural and plot issues that will manifest themselves later in the story.

At this point, I’ve seen enough problems to make me not want to spend my time reading the remainder of the script. However, if you’d like to read the latest version of the script in its entirety (we’re now at version 11.1), please do and let me know what you think.

In the meantime, I wish Blink well. He’s a good sport, and like I said, he’s got some good instincts. He just needs to keep writing and shore up his writing skills a little. I look forward to hearing about his developing projects and will personally be cheering him on.

Do you find this kind of critique helpful?

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Category: Script Notes, Writing  | 4 Comments